Dear Literary Agent
I hope this letter finds you in a particularly generous spirit. I’m writing to find representation for my 58,000-word memoir, Why Are You Always the Bad Guy when You Sit on a Baby?
First and foremost, I want to put all the cards on the table. I am a nobody. A nobody who occasionally has made a few people laugh on the internet. Does that count? Making people laugh? God, I hope so because I don’t know how much longer I can hustle this shit for.
I’ve been at this for weeks now and the countless “How to Write a Killer Query Letter” articles I’ve consumed have weakened my usual nihilistic disposition. I fear I may be tumbling toward a career in positivity porn as this seems to be the only nonfiction genre that traditional publishers are interested in from nobodies like me.
A grave realization to be sure.
Why Are You Always the Bad Guy when You Sit on a Baby? is a comical look at that one time I sat on a baby at said baby’s shower. Don’t worry the baby was fine! Toggling between past experiences and my present-day mental health issues, I examine the many times I’ve sat on things that I shouldn’t have. It’s a fun ride!
I guess the smart thing to do here would be to give you realistic comparisons to other memoirs by nobodies — proving that memoir is a worthwhile genre to invest in.
Instead, I will liken my work to Jennette McCurdy’s bestselling juggernaut I’m Glad My Mom Died because my book mentions mental health stuff too.
Before I send along my analytics to your prestigious literary agency, I want you to keep in mind the importance of stamina.
Yes, I’ve indeed been doing this blogging bullshit for 10-plus years and still only have 12 active followers on my socials but think of the stamina it takes to continue forward even after countless blows of failure.
The only reason my social media accounts aren’t inundated with thirsty scrollers is that the human race has yet to acknowledge the sheer talent it takes to recite a spoken word poem about shitting your pants in the Walmart.
If I may be so bold, dear Agent, I request that before you toss this query letter in the bin, please, for the love of all things literary, consider taking a chance on this humble humour writer.
Sure, she has no credentials unless you count that one time she made her mother-in-law laugh but that wasn’t even her own joke she stole it from a David Sedaris book.
And yes, there are very few instances where nobodies have published memoirs and THEN made it big because, as a general rule, people don’t pick up books from obscure internet bloggers.
But I vow, here and now, as I sit on this porcelain throne (writing this during a bathroom break because clearly, I have no more fucks to give), that I will exceed your wildest imaginings if only you take a chance on me.
With the help of professional media managers and a budget that isn’t the dimes I find in my couch cushions, I’ll transform before your very eyes into a dancing joke-telling service monkey and rise up through the literary ranks to become the star that sells all the books!
Oh, Agent, think of the beautiful things we could do together.
Look, let me level with you, Agent. I need this. I need this bad. So, as I sign off today, allow me to leave you with this:
Picture, if you will, a lowly writer lady trudging up a great mountainside. The unforgiving wind tries to cease her quest, but the grit and determination from years of literary magazine rejections push her forward.
Just as she reaches the beast’s crest, the heavens open up to reveal a brilliant sunbeam positioned directly upon our wordsmith hero.
ABBA’s Take a Chance on Me begins to play somewhere in the background (don’t overthink it — today is all about the magic!)
Our writer bites her lower lip as the tempo quickens. She throws her balled hands in the air, fist pumping to the beat. The scene fades to black with only the whisper of a writer chanting, “Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on meeeee.”
Thank you kindly for your consideration in this matter.
Sincerely,
Lindsay Rae Brown
(Seriously though, the baby was fine)
I would definitely read your book while sitting on a baby.