Notes From the Disgruntled Garden Plants
It’s too late to yeet us now, b*tches.
The Zucchini
Look, we appreciate the fact that you’ve brought us life. We really do. But did you even research how large zucchini plants get? Like, considering the overall proximity of this garden patch, we feel that the six inches of space between each plant are sort of a smack in the flowers.
Literally, we are so plentiful, we are smacking into each other’s flowers. Too late now, though. The damage is done, and we’re overflowing onto the cement pad. So, yeah. That’s fun.
— The Soon-To-Be Cement Smashed Zucs
The Beans
What kind of sadistic pissant are you? You sprinkle our seeds along the edge of the garden, like some sort of decorative detail? We are goddamn beans. Haven’t you heard of row planting?
And we’re climbing beans, at that.
You didn’t even provide us with a fence. So guess what? We’ve been reduced to climbing your dill plants. Which, we might add, are out of control and taking over the garden because of your inability to weed anything.
What a mess.
— The Acrobatic Beans
The Wildflowers
To whoever planted my seed in a tire in order to achieve some kind of half-assed Avant-garde bullshit, I hate you so much.
Do you want to know how hot it is in this thing? Have you even watered me once? No. No you haven’t.
Don’t even bother with your apologies. I’ll be dead soon anyway.
— The Wildflowers That Were Sprinkled In An Abandoned Tire And Forgotten About
The Corn
Dear Mother of The Demonic Offspring: here’s a joke for you — what do you get when you have chlorine water continuously splashed on freshly planted corn?
A stalk that looks like me.
Bastard.
— The Chlorine Contaminated Corn
The Grape Plant
So… I’m, like, 99% positive that on my packaging, I clearly state that I must be planted in full sun. And there you go planting me in the one spot in the yard that is shaded nearly all day long.
I’m just wondering if this was strategical because you hate grapes or if are you merely feeble of mind and unable to decipher the meaning of basic words?
— The Stunted Grape Plant
The Peppers
Okay, so, I get it. Humans like to be near one another. They’re touchy-feely creatures. But, as the Zucs so elegantly put it, we plants do not quite feel the same way.
We like our space.
We want to have room to stretch out and grow to our intended size and dimensions. This cannot happen when you plant multiple pepper plants in a tiny container.
— The Claustrophobic Peppers
The Carrots
Dear Couch Potatoes. THIN US NOW!
— The Forest of Carrots
The Mint
Honestly, I don’t know what these other jerkwads are talking about. I think you’re doing a fabulous job. Here I am, just doing my thing and I. Am. Flourishing.
Pretty soon I’ll overtake those stupid strawberries that you’ve totally forgotten about. Also, I’m well on my way to working myself out into the grass that you haven’t mowed or watered in three weeks. It’s awesome, man.
You keep neglecting this garden, and I will keep on pumping out fresh sprigs of that minty goodness for your midday mojitos.
I love you.
— The Blissful Mint
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Looks fabulous!