Positive Affirmations to Whisper Softly to Yourself While Doing Yoga in the Exact Wrong Location
One day, my goal is to be so proficient and self-assured in the yogic lifestyle that I will feel confident to stand naked in the forest with my newfound best friend (a moose named Gregory) by my side and complete a sun salutation while singing sweet somethings into my own ear about how enlightened and beautiful my dimpled butt is.
But that’s all for the future.
Right now, I am just barely standing in tree pose in my living room. The living room is an awful place to practice yoga because there’s little to no breathing room in here, what with the Christmas tree and all these unnecessary armchairs cluttering up the space.
My triangled left leg is quivering as I repeat mantras to myself to try and trick my dumb brain into believing that this is a perfectly routine position to pretzel my rotund lower body into.
“I am aware of my surroundings.”
And I truly am aware of my surroundings. For example, I’ve nearly fallen over thrice now, and on the second near miss, I wanted to yell out, “Timber” because surely this burly tree was comin’ down.
I manage to right myself, and then, a greasy smattering of melted cheese falls out of my hair. Usually, I would think this was strange and a little gross, but I ate nachos for breakfast, so it tracks.
I am an absolute monster for Hint of Lime Tostitos with melted cheese.
I pluck the cheese off my boob where it landed seconds ago, knowing this scrap of nourishment will sustain me on my spiritual journey.
“The celestial power within me is infinite.”
This little gem also strikes a chord as I cannot, for the life of me, stop farting.
My friend Susie told me about this one time she was in yoga class, and a dude let out the longest, loudest rip of his life in the previously dead-silent studio, and I laughed and laughed. How could anyone do such a thing? Hold it in, man, come on!
Except here I am today, in this quiet living room while my husband sleeps in our bed only 20 feet away, and I’m pretty sure I’ve awoken him from his slumber with my bottom burp breezers.
Infinite indeed.
“An atmosphere of acceptance encompasses me.”
*Please see previous entry.*
“The challenges I face on the mat teach me about life.”
I say this as I lie in a child’s pose, forehead glued to an extremely stinky mat. It is not stinky due to all the farting, though. Instead, the mat holds more of a clothes-that-have-been-left-in-the-washer-for-three-days-too-long sort of stench.
I am trying not to be angry at myself about this new development because of stupid self-love and everything, but I knew this mat stunk before beginning my workout this morning and continued to use it anyway.
How easy it could have been to swap it out for the neutral-smelling yoga mat that’s in my study right now. Better yet, why the hell am I doing yoga in the living room when I have a beautiful study filled with books and plants I could practice being mindful and shit in?
Today I learned that everything is better in the company of books and plants. And non-smelly things.
“I am perfectly imperfect, and that is beautiful.”
I say this while letting out a long drone of decrepitude as I descend into downward dog.
It is beautiful.
“I have much to offer this world.”
Well, I think that’s pretty obvious at this point.