Steer Into the Curve? I’ve Been Steering into the Curb This Entire Time!
Can I just say that I am appalled and horrified by the idioms this country has surrendered to, and I need to make a stand!
Please sign my online petition to abolish all idioms, sayings, quips and otherwise from the English language.
I believe that without the hassle of having to uncover the meaning of idiotic sayings like “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it” and “Your guess is as good as mine,” our lives, in general, will be more enjoyable and far less stressful.
Let’s take yesterday, for example.
I was pulled over by a police officer while driving to the bank. I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong or why I was getting pulled over. Maybe it was a burnt-out headlight, I thought.
Perhaps the cop was that stripper I asked my friends to hire for my birthday, and strippers these days are taking a more method approach to the roles they take on.
“Ma’am,” said the officer as I rolled down my window, sort of excited at the thought this might turn into a sexy adventure, “May I ask you why you’ve been bashing the right side of your car into the curb of the road for the last three blocks? Have you been drinking?”
“Excuse me?” I said, incredulous. “Of course not. That’s illegal! I’m doing what I always do. Steering into the curb.”
The officer stared at me for a good while, which made me really uncomfortable. Clearly, this was not going to end in a lap dance.
“Ma’am, may I see your license and registration please?”
I handed over the goods, and he looked surprised when he saw my driver’s license.
“Says here you’ve had your driving certificate for over ten years. Have you always steered into the curb?” He used these stupid air quotes that honestly made me feel pretty bad about myself at the time.
“Yes,” I replied. “I wish they’d change that law because it’s just so hard on cars, what with the cheap materials they use these days.”
“I imagine it would be,” the officer said. He then proceeded to radio a fellow officer and relay the entire situation to him as I sat there and watched.
The officer then told me that this wasn’t a law at all! And that the saying was actually steer into the curve, which doesn’t have very much to do with driving at all, and instead means to go with the flow during tense situations!
Well, I’ll tell ya what, I certainly wasn’t “steering into the curve” then, as a police officer (who disappointingly was NOT a stripper) said to me on the side of a busy street that I had been driving my incorrectly my entire life!
And this is why I have decided to make it my mission to eradicate all idioms from the English language. It is my life’s work, and I will get it done, come hell or high-water.
Damnit.